I just had a good cry.... all alone.... in a random
playground... while out training. Lucky
for me, no one walked by and saw me or I might have been committed.
I've been really extremely emotional this week.
I am so humbled by how much support people are giving me,
with their financial contributions and with their kind words.
I am anxious about leaving my boys all weekend, although I
know that Daddy is more than capable.
I am scared that I won't be able to walk as far as I plan,
even though I have been training for seven months.
I am worried about sleeping in a tent in what looks like
will be a very cold weekend.
I am mostly nervous about leaving Goofball, who was in hysterics
when I broke the news that I am leaving him all weekend. He knew that "Mommy's big walk" was
coming soon, but as the details unfold about packing, train tickets and
sleeping bags, it's becoming too real for him that Mommy isn't putting him to
bed for 2 nights.
I convinced my husband to bring Goofball to see me cross the
finish line. I want him to know that
this is big... really big. It's more
than me. Right now in his mind, this is
about Mommy getting exercise. And it is,
but it's so much more.
As I put the names of those touched by breast cancer on my
shirt, it crosses my mind that this is too many: Four aunts, two cousins, a
friend.... My mom. I remember exactly
where I was when I heard my mom say the words, "I have breast
cancer." I fear for my future, and
I pray that I never say those words myself.
I try to explain to Goofball that this isn't just about
me. It's about his Grandmas, his aunts,
his cousins, his friends... It's about sisterhood, teamwork, following your
dreams, cooperation, camaraderie, and coming together for a cause.
I am writing the names on my shirt, and there are too many
names. I write "Penny" but
this time I add a halo and wings. We
can't lose one more, and that's why I fight.
Breast cancer may take our breasts, but it won't take our souls.
And so I will think about Goofball and Mush while I walk,
and I will smile, because I refuse to accept that I won't get to see diplomas,
wedding rings and grandchildren.
And I will think about my future daughters-in-law, and
smile, and pray that they never know of breast cancer.
And I will think about my cousins and friends, and I will
smile, and pray that they never know of breast cancer.
And I will think about my three nieces, and I will smile,
because in their little world of dance lessons, arts and crafts and Minnie
Mouse, there is no breast cancer.
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