Can't sleep...swirling thoughts in my head

Here's another one in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I wrote this in 2006 when I was training for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. 

 

So it's 3:45 AM and I finally decided to just get out of bed after an hour of staring at the clock. After stupidly drinking what seems like 6 gallons of water before bed I get up to go to the bathroom and now I find myself lying in bed. The longer I lay still, the more thoughts that go swirling in my head and the more I want to get those thoughts down. I'm listening to the rain outside and becoming more and more convinced that I won't be doing my nine mile walk in the morning. Damn you, rain! Why don't I own a treadmill? Why am I awake? Perhaps it's because I was in bed by 10 o'clock on a Saturday night. When did I become such an old fart?

It was such an exhausting week. The last week of the summer is supposed to be about relaxing. But for me it was about working part time at the Huntington Learning Center, signing forms and contracts for my new jobs, new teacher orientation, observing labs at Suffolk Community College, cleaning out my classroom in Massapequa.

These past two weeks have been crazy -more than I can take, physically and emotionally. First off, I'm leaving my job in Massapequa, which was a very hard decision to make. When I left the East Meadow School district and Connetquot, I didn't have a job the next year, so I was forced to look for a new position. But now I'm leaving a job that I have, where I've been very comfortable and very happy, and I'm taking it harder than I thought. Cleaning out my classroom, I was sobbing like a psychopathic lunatic.

So I've filled out all my paperwork and I'm ready to start my kindergarten position at Rocky Point when another part time position basically falls into my lap. My mother-in-law calls me and tells me to call someone at Suffolk Community College about a reading lab position. Basically I sent her my resume and within 30 seconds she emails me and tells me to come to a lab meeting where I can meet the rest of the staff. So I' m perplexed ... do I have this job?????? I go in and my name is on the mailbox and files. My mother-in-law points to the mailbox and says, "Yeah ... I think you’ve got the job." So basically they're paying me $32 an hour to assign independent reading work. Sounds good.

In the meantime, my cousin's temple calls me to come in and interview about teaching religion. Now here's the kicker: Out of all three of these jobs, this one seemed to be the most formal interview. A panel of five is interviewing me to teach religious school. It's a first/second grade class where I'll be teaching about the holidays and doing arts and crafts, singing, dancing, cooking ... and I'm being interviewed by the entire education committee. I was a little taken back.

So basically I've taken on three new jobs within the course of a week. I know I'll do well, but this has been overwhelming. For those of you who know me well, I don't do things half-assed. If you've seen my gift baskets, scrapbooks or drama club productions, you know that I'm committed... perhaps I should be committed.

By the way, there is a point to this story ... and here it is:

So Thursday afternoon I'm hanging out at my girlfriend's house in Jersey and her two year old is telling me how he went pee-pee on the potty ("not poo-poo, pee-pee") when my cell phone rings. I didn't recognize the number. This is what the conversation was:

“Hello."

"Heather?"

“Yeah?"

"It's Adam"

“Who?"

"Adam"

"Adam?"

"Yeah."

"Who are you trying to call?"

 "Heather"

 "Who is this?"

"Adam!"

Now it wasn't the best connection, but I totally did not recognize his changing voice. Adam, who I still think of as a three year old, is the kid who I used to babysit. Now when I say babysit, I mean all the time. I saw him at least weekly, if not more. I was only sixteen when he was born, and I was already sitting for his older sister and brother. I remember how his brother Ian was only 5 months old when I met the family. He was such a good baby. After the older one was asleep, I would take him out of his crib and let him sleep in my arms. I couldn’t’ resist. When his parents came home I would sometimes lie and say that he woke up.

Adam, on the other hand, was a horrendous baby. I'm convinced that he would cry for days at a time. I used to sit with him in the bathroom with the water running with the hope that the sound of it would soothe him. After about two years of torturing me, he mellowed out and turned out to be the sweetest kid on the planet.

Adam was calling me to tell me about his plans for his Bar Mitzvah. I remember that age. Ahh ... how the years go by so quickly. I remember being awkward, ugly, flat ¬chested, with braces and glasses. I also know that thirteen year olds are supposed to be confrontational and self-centered. Not Adam.

Anyway, as a Bar Mitzvah, Adam has to do a mitzvah, a good deed. Having been touched by breast cancer in his family, he decided to make a contribution to the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer and wants to talk about it in a speech at his Bar Mitzvah. I was floored. During the service yesterday he talked about my commitment to this walk, how I've set a goal of raising $3600, how I'll be walking 26 miles. I sat there beaming, looking at this child, this young man, thinking about how he's so adorable with this sweet innocence, yet so mature. I had partially assumed that his mother had put him up to it.

But then during the party he walked up to me, gave me a hug and looked me straight in the eye and said "I really hope that you get more donations."

I guess I knew how much this family had touched my life. I wasn't just their babysitter. I went on trips with them. I went out to eat with them. They sent me care packages in college. They were my second family. I don't see these kids as any different than my little cousins. I just didn't realize how much I'd touched their lives.

That's what keeps me going. I'm only five weeks away from the big walk. And although my fundraising is doing well, and I'm ready to take on this challenge mentally, physically I've still got a ways to go. If only this rain will cooperate. But when I' m walking and don't think I can go on any more, I'm going to think of Adam, and picture him at his wedding standing next to his beautiful wife. And I pray that she will never know of breast cancer. And I'll picture Adam holding a beautiful daughter, and I'll pray that she'll never know of breast cancer. And I think of how glorious Adam's mom and sister looked yesterday, and I pray that they'll never know of breast cancer. And I'll be walking next to my mom, and holding her hand, and overcome with emotion about my mother's battle with breast cancer, I'll thank God that she's here with me, taking on this challenge with me. And when I look in my wallet and see the pictures of my two newborn nieces, Lily and Casey.  I'll smile because in their little world, there is no breast cancer.